What are we telling the kids??!!!!

I've got issues. I think anyone who knows me or has read this blog would readily jump on board with this little axiom of the universe.

To that end, I think that we should take a little closer look at what we pass down to the next generation, particularly in the realm of nursery rhymes.

Now, it can be asserted that music and rhyme help a child's development. Fine, no argument here. My argument would be in regards to content. A closer look leads me to question if these are images we would really want kids to embrace in the height of their blissful innocence. A simple breakdown of these rhymes comes into direct conflict with my Spock-like adherence to logic. For example...

The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe - The impossible logistics aside, since this old lady doesn't know what to do with all her kids, try this for starters...get a job that doesn't involve you laying down. Should this woman with such lower moral fiber, who barely feeds and then whips her bastard children, be immortalized in song? I hope that somewhere, someone has created a second verse that incorporates the DCFS.

Humpty Dumpty - This one's got all kinds of problems. Who among us names an egg? Or puts an egg on a wall? Or really gives a rat's ass if that egg falls off said wall? Wouldn't a king have better use of his troops than to deploy them to try to reconstruct an egg? Aren't horses going to have problems trying to put an egg back together, what with the hooves and the general lack of reasoning? Sop that bad boy up with a Wet-vac, get a new egg, don't name it, and move on. If the five-second rule applies, grab a bowl and a whisk and make an omelet.

Jack & Jill - Let's see...two kids run up a hill, the boy falls down and cracks open his skull, so the girl decides to tumble on down after him. Is she an idiot? Why would anyone do that? Don't parents want to teach kids to NOT do stupid things just because all the other kids are doing it? Patty-cake away to this gem!!

And my personal favorite...

Ring Around the Rosie - Let's dance around and sing about "The Plague", shall we? A round rosy rash (a plague symptom), posies of herbs that were carried in belief of plague protection, "Atch chew! atch chew!" (sneezing, another and final fatal plague symptom), and all fall down (and die). Yea! Disease is fun, isn't it kids?

But, who am I to say? These things have been around for generations before me and will continue long after I'm gone. And, I guess, I never really questioned these rhymes when I was a kid, so how bad can they be? (I guess these are better than having kids skipping around quoting rap lyrics).

But kids are getting smarter earlier with each generation, and we would all like everyone (regardless of age) to know what they are talking about when they speak.

So be prepared, we all may have some questions to answer some time soon.

What's in a name?

I awoke this morning to the news that the Independent candidate for Governor of Illinois, Scott Lee Cohen, had picked a running mate. This is not particularly interesting news, except that the person chosen has a very interesting name, Baxter Swilley. If this election was won or lost based on the uniqueness of names, this guy wins in a landslide.

But what's in a name? My name, for example, has a biblical meaning of "rock". One look at me and my fluffy midriff and sprouting man-boobs would lead one to believe that my parents were misguidedly optimistic. Sure, I could change my name to something more appropriate, like Prince or Master P, but I don't possess the requisite vanity for such a transformation.

Which leads me to believe that nicknames (at least in the world of men) are more often representative of how we are seen by the world. The general rule of thumb is that one cannot nickname oneself, (I tried, but my wife laughed "Boom Boom" out of the room). Nicknames can only be assigned by friends and family.

For some, this can be a simple as a shortening of a name, as in "Sully" or "Smitty". For others, it may be based in a physical characteristic, like "Red" or "Freckles". Or be flat-out mean like "Tarhead" or "Bubbles". However, my favorite nicknames are those creative monikers that withstand the test of time.

This brings me to Mel.

Before going any further, I must say that it takes a special kind of person to embrace a nickname that is deprecating, and to know Mel is to love Mel. He's a large, loud, jolly man with a large frame and an even larger heart. But Mel hasn't always been "Mel".

"Mel" is a version of his real name that was contracted into it's current form during our teen years, right around the time that his head started growing faster than his body (and we needed to know a guy named "Mel" in case we wanted to start a bowling team - as every team needs to have one).

During the late 80s, and based on cinematic reference, "Mel" was replaced with "Uncle Buck" (which should give you an appropriate mental picture of his physical presence). And, more recently, a grass roots effort has been established to amend "Mel" to "Cheese Fries" (I won't go into why). As much as this makes me giggle, I don't think it will stick.

That's because, as much as we may try to change his nickname, all the great memories that we've had together, I've had with "Mel". Trying to change that nickname at this point just doesn't seem right.

But it sure is fun to try.

What if it was all true?

I came out of a daydreaming haze, usually reserved for 4th-graders with a window seat, wondering, "What if the things depicted in movies really happened"? Now, I don't mean the creations of the Morgan Spurlocks and Michael Moores of the world, but the stories that are supposedly set in our little corners.

What if it was all true? What would my daily life be like? Where would I live? Well...

I think New York would be a very interesting place to live - what with the likes of Batman, Spiderman and Superman patrolling the streets and skies. But who would want to live there? I know if the the Joker, Green Goblin and Lex Luther are trying to rule the world from MY neighborhood, I'm calling Remax and I'm on the first train outta Dodge.

But I wouldn't move into any place on Elm Street, USA, as there has been some psycho terrorizing that street for the better part of 20 years. And, by the way, I worked, played some golf, watched a little baseball and occasionally got together with family and friends - just in case you wanted to know what I did last summer. Now nobody has to call me and whisper to me that you know.

Every Friday, the 13th and Halloween, you will find me on a beach somewhere, as those places seem to be safe during those days of the year.

We will definitely need to pay a little more attention to our global hula hoop - as aliens who want to steal our resources or kidnap our elderly seem to think that our planet is the inter-galactic Studio 54. I guess we could just have the Enterprise, Stargate and Battlestar Galactica crews act as bouncers - let the aliens pick up those they left behind at the DMV or on the Brown line, and scram! No soup, or minerals, or humans for you!

I can't live in Kansas, since the storms are so powerful that they knock you so silly that you see green witches and flying monkeys. Or maybe acid rain has something to do with that.

I don't want to go to California - their governor is scary and seems a bit "robotic".

So, I guess I'll just pack up the family and jump into my Griswaldian family truckster and head off towards Iowa to watch a little dead-man baseball. I'll call Mr. Gecko to see if we can get together on a deal for orange juice futures from a tip I got from Louie Winthorpe and Billy Ray Valentine.

In the meantime, I'll make sure to stay away from anyone that looks like Tom Cruise, Nicholas Cage or Sir Anthony Hopkins. Nothing good can happen around them.

SB 1070...Amen!!

I have a problem understanding the recent outrage in the immigrant communities across the US regarding SB 1070, the Arizona Immigration Law, which requires individuals to produce proof of their status as legal US residents when requested by law enforcement.

A Drivers License or state ID Card are legitimate means of showing legal residency. I know that I have had to produce this every time I have encountered a law enforcement officer (the exact number of times will remain my little secret). It doesn't bother me to do this, so why would it bother so many? The only reason I could think of is - because those are the people that can't produce such an ID, because those are the people who are here illegally!!!

Most of us are descendants of immigrants on some level. And I know that, many years ago, the higher branches on my family tree went through the legal process necessary to obtain citizenship. Why is this any different now? It isn't; it's just not as tightly enforced and illegal immigrants have been getting away with not going through the legal process. Now that tighter enforcement is in place somewhere, some feel persecuted for essentially HAVING TO FOLLOW THE LAW.

Let's face it...anyone who is in this country illegally KNOWS that they are here illegally and are breaking the law. Do they feel that they should not be subject to the punishment that legal citizens are subject to when caught breaking the law? Should the protesters who smeared refried bean swastikas on the Phoenix capital building not be punished? I believe that is referred to as 'vandalism'.

The logic of those who have a perception of self entitlement escapes me.

I especially like the claims that this law is racist. However, I can't find any language that states that this law is targeted at any one particular ethnic group. It may be implied to be targeting Mexicans, since it is in Arizona, and we can all look at a map. But I saw protesters in Chicago on Saturday, which included people waving Mexican, Irish and Polish flags. So, how about we just drop that argument, as it seems to be the last-ditched effort to win an argument that has no substantiation.

I wonder how many of the people that are protesting are actual legal immigrants. I would think that those who went through the process and obtained legal status correctly would be pissed at those who want the same freedoms of our country without having to go through the process. I don't think there is any one legal citizen that would like to partake in all this country has to offer, without having to pay taxes.

Maybe I should expect to have any career I want without having to become educated or experienced or go through an interview process. That seems realistic.

I'll suggest everyone who protests be required to show proof of residency before taking to the streets in protest. Free speech is, after all, a right provided for US citizens in this country. If you're not a US citizen, go back home and protest there.

If Arizona is anything like Chicago, Wednesday will have the streets filled with people celebrating by blaring loud music and driving with large flags on their cars. Excessive noise and driving with impairments on a vehicle are illegal, so the police should be busy.

Better bring your IDs.