The Idiot vs. Squirrel Nation

I normally have respect for all of God's creatures, and I believe that everything in life has a purpose (although for the life of me, I can't figure out the role in the universe of the cockroach). I try to do my best to co-exist with all creatures, even the bats, cats and snakes that give me the willies.

But when these creatures make it personal, it's go time!

Such is the case with my neighborhood nemesis...the squirrel. Much like the cockroach, I know of no redeeming quality for these rats-with-furry-tails, other than to provide a gauge of the severity of winter by the bushiness of their tails or to keep our driving reflexes fine-tuned as they dart randomly across the street, as if in their own little game of "Frogger".

About a year ago, one of these power line-walkers (whom I dubbed "Dave") decided to pick a fight. It started out harmless enough; he would perch on the window sill outside my bedroom, make eye contact as if to say "Hi", and then scoot along his merry way. Little did I know he was taunting me and doing re-con, behind his wee-beady eyes.

Soon after our first encounter, I began to awake every morning at 4:37am to Dave scratching at the wood and plastic window frame, either trying to get in, annoy me, or some combination thereof. His timing was impeccable. Yelling and bull-rushing the window didn't move him. Pounding on the window only invoked a look of defiance. I think I may have even seen him smile.

So after 10 straight days of this taunting I did the only thing that I could do to avoid future wake-up calls...I spackled Dave's chew-toy and added a little piece of flavor. That was the last I heard from Dave.

Recently, Round Two began as one of Dave's family or gang members (this one doesn't have the nose scar that Dave had) has apparently decided to continue Dave's legacy of torment. This one (whom Mrs. Idiot has named "Spider Squirrel"), has developed the ability to vertically climb the walls of our building; occasionally coming to rest with his nut-hoarding claws in the tiny holes of our screen windows.

As with Dave, his behavior was intriguing, as first. However, torn screens and his ill-timed incidents of scaring the B-Jesus out of Mrs. Idiot, leave me little choice. I am, after all, the Man of the House, and I have to protect the domain.

Maybe I'm over-reacting, and it may be a bit "Orwellian" to believe that squirrels have the capacity for taunting or vindication. But I've seen the way they chase each other up and down and around trees, so whose to say that Spider Squirrel isn't the evolutionary leader of his species?

I'm not taking any chances. It's off to spray-glue the screen windows...victory shall be mine!!!